(this is something i wrote last june, shortly before james returned from his last deployment. i remember feeling this way and would love to reconnect with it. i believe the key is getting back into some form of creative expression.)
i am slowly becoming aware of a feeling that has begn to settle on me like a warm blanket. the feeling of being ok. getting comfortable in my own skin. this is the first time in my life that i can recall tiny bits of peace when thinking about my past. it always used to be sadness,regret,longing. but now i have moments where a smell will send my heart soaring back into my 10 year old body. and it feels ok. no, it feels good.
it seems i spent the first 12 or so years of my life living(dreaming?) then the next 12 or so being very lost and longing for the security of bygone days. and looking to the future for some way up and out. building my identity. trying on and discarding different faces. feeling like an impostor. apologizing to little girl me. well now i feel like the big sister or aunt to that lost 15,17,20 year old- telling her “hey it’s ok. go easy on yourself. you haven’t failed anyone. you’re turning out ok, it’s just taking longer than you expected.”
i don’t know if it’s the age that i’m at or the time that i’ve had with james gone to write and paint and think, or possibly even the job ive had where i get to express myself creatively and teach others to do the same. probably some combination of all of the above. i definitely think a big factor of settling into yourself is expressing yourself creatively. it is that connection to the child in you. finding out she is still there and you haven’t dissapointed her afterall. finding your authentic self, your groove, your niche-whatever you want to call it- is trial and error. it has to be that way. you have to fail over and over again. broken down and beaten up. i think that sums up the years from about 15-20. i wasn’t being very true to myself and i felt the effects. at the end of that period i met james and began to rebuild. there were some tough times in there too though. but we weathered that storm and emerged stronger.
so i feel like i am beginning a new chapter. you expect new chapters to begin on nice neat numbers like 25 or 30. this one appears to be beginning at 26. but i believe it has been in the works for a few months. i feel so strongly about this that it feels like everything before was a test, a dress rehearsal, a trial run. but now, 26 years in, your real life has begun. this is not a throwing away and starting over type of beginning. i know that i got here because of the dreams of a small girl and the trials anf failures of a young woman. i owe alot to that chick. she went through hell to get me here.
